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Phillip Cunio's Commentary:
The Hussein Interview
3-20-2003 Acting in
my capacity as reporter for The Snod, I have obtained the raw transcripts
of the interview which TV news anchor Dan Rather conducted with
Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. I am pleased to reproduce this
find in place of my usual commentary.
----It should be noted that this interview was possible only through the offices of a translator, as linguistic barriers did exist between the interviewer and subject themselves. However, for the convenience of the reader, the actual translations of the spoken foreign language are listed in brackets [like this] beneath the transliteration of said phrases. We thank our resident in-house translator for providing these translations for us. Dan Rather: Good day, Mr. Hussein. Translator: Heevodah habada da. [He says, good day to you.] Saddam: Wankata, cheebo-ya hmm-anuptay, sa thata muchka. [Foolish American pig, I kill you all.] Translator: Thank you. I hope you are enjoying your visit. Dan Rather: So, is there any truth to the rumors that you possess long-range missiles which the UN forbade you to have? Translator: Woompa-ta doomp, oompity loomp. Missta cheecha? [He asks about the missiles. Which lie shall I use this time?] Saddam: Renk ti diy, me nienni strashnillin. [The seas will run red with the blood of all infidels.] Translator: No, we have never had any such missiles. Dan Rather: And what about weapons of mass destruction? Translator: Hurk ta-lurz, me nurzin geshnit. [Ah, yes. Now this chemical weapons bull all over again.] Saddam: Vrink menne na nik-nik, yuzzuks. La pooshte hirsoime manily varmilit burslappinin fohter. [Then the deserts will run red. At last, even the forest will disappear under the river of slaughter that we shall unleash upon the capitalist dogs.] Translator: Umm, this country is poor and starving because of American-led UN sanctions. How can we build these things if we starve? Dan Rather: Ahh, of course you can't. Speaking of sanctions, how many of your children are starved to death by Americans every day? Translator: Etry ansana anyiull im-padooshy. Huyk huyk na le tiy puon te-de. Meny noi les potioletete hummpa-dump. [Now he asks about the peasants. I laugh derisively at his willingness to blame himself for what we love to do to our helpless masses of future poison-gas test subjects.] Saddam: Bopp-tadada lopp-doop, meny na rink-data da-rink-dink. Usa chacka oppa lappa blappa happa dappa comappa. Se. [Foolish Great Satan swine, I stomp on the backs of peasants like the floors of my many richly-adorned palaces. I will make you peasants and stomp on your backs too.] Translator: 13 million, or some really high number like that. Dan Rather: I see. Thank you for showing us how much America needs to work on itself before it does anything else. And thank you for your time. As the democratically-elected President of Iraq, you must be a very busy person. Be sure to watch my show for your interview. Translator: Onn gatolshnik. Menay chupatay hurrdurimalal incasa limpon aes bey cuptaysa, esue me te, ouy enn, es kappata ne li dooptury. [He's leaving. I am pleased, as the maniacal laughter his blindess encourages in me is on the verge of escaping. He has been totally fooled, just like those UN dipwads.] Saddam: Urk vada-huir murk durk. Nur elaur na lur daur. Roskatete, mensote. E ooh maska neme ees-ral, lei usa de nikato poosta! Dadei. Op ta lata ete miskoomna. [If you could not help me spread lies, my guards would beat you on the head with rifles and stones as you left. I smirk in triumphant joy, as I will on the glorious day that America is defeated and Israel is turned into a radioactive ruin. Go, evil dog of American dogs.] Translator: Yes, you are welcome. Tell the world the truth you have learned here. Dan Rather: Rest assured, this truth will be made known. [Sound of footsteps, followed by sound of door closing.] Translator: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Saddam: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! |