6-22-2003  Have you ever thought about beating yourself up?  That is, whether or not you could beat up your own clone?  I have actually given a lot of thought to the matter.

There are actually several ways this fight could go.  If you're fighting your actual clone, then it's just like a fight between twins.  You've probably led different lives; whoever had a tougher life will probably win.  But if your clone was just created, and was an almost exact copy of you and all your experiences, then you'd both be in for a really good fight.  Take a timeout first to set up a tape recorder.  If either of you survives, you can sell the video on the internet and late-night TV and make a fortune.

If, say, your opponent was a version of you from an alternate universe (this is a possibility I've often considered), then you're back to the twin thing, except that there could be radical differences.  The first thing I would do in such a situation (and, presumably, my mirror-image too) would be to establish what was different about whom.  I subscribe to the theory that alternate universes have alternate timelines, wherein the same people do slightly different things.  So my double and I would first have a conversation as follows: "Hmm.  You look much like I do, yet you have the different martial arts training, as is evident from your fighting stance.  Where did you go to school?"  "University of Houston.  You?"  "Ah-ha.  University of Florida.  You probably never went to a Wing-Chow club, did you?"  "No.  But we did have a Wakka-Ting-Tong Society."  "Ah, then, let us match ancient Oriental disciplines as they were meant to be matched."

Or the only difference at all may be that I have my hair dyed purple for Halloween, while he went with freakishly bright orange.  Then we'd probably be in the video-camera/survivor-gets-wealthy situation again.  In any case, it'd be fun to find out how my life might have been slightly different, and what the difference means to my ability to kick rear ends and break people.

Of course, there could be a great difference in the two of us.  I don't think this is as likely as you may have heard, but one of us could conceivably be made of antimatter.  That would end the fight real quick, with a big bang, but it would depend heavily on whose universe we were both in.  Or if we both end up in a universe where giant robotic slugs roam around seeking delicious human flesh to devour, it will probably be a draw.  A tasty one, if you're a giant robotic slug.

Now, the best-case scenario involves going back in time and kicking the stuffing out of your twelve-year-old self.  That shouldn't be hard, unless you were a pretty tough twelve-year-old.  You beat up the little kid, then tell him who you are, and that you'll be back for him in a year's time.  Ideally, he'll begin to bulk himself up, so he can defend himself better.  But that means you, his future self, will be bigger and badder as well.  It will be a vicious cycle of go back, beat, get bigger, repeat, until you get to be one tough feller and just leave the kid alone.  You just can't lose with this one.

Just hope you aren't the twelve-year-old.  I remember when I was twelve, I thought that would suck for me, but my future self would probably do it if he got half the chance.  So I started doing martial arts.  Also, it made my life kind of interesting whenever I thought about the future.  Or the present.  The idea of a beefy, mean version of yourself appearing out of nowhere and laying the hurt on you can really get you thinking.