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Phillip's Elf-Mitch
Commentary
2-27-2003 *** Note to readers: This piece was originally titled something other than what it is now called. I shouldn't say what, since the former title involves a not-exactly-kosher word, and my editors and I know that the Internet has a reputation as a clean place for young persons to read entertaining things. I can, however, say that I only changed one letter in the title, and it wasn't originally "Elf-witch." It was something else, and readers are free to speculate as to its exact spelling (and thus meaning). You may also note that I followed the conventions established by similar articles, in a similar vein, published by the online newspaper The Onion. ASK THE ELF-MITCH
Dear Elf-mitch: Lately I've been getting tired in the mornings, and napping all day, before tumbling exhaustedly into bed at night. I never have time to spend with my family because I'm always too tired to do anything but sleep. What is wrong with me? -Miachi Mama Dear MM: Aren't I just the greatest actress ever to live? You'll notice that if you watch the Lord of the Rings. There are several scenes that weren't in the book, or that I, Arwen, wasn't even supposed to be in. But I was, because no scene is ever the same without me. My tremendous acting skills just add so much to any movie I ever appeared in. Let me give you an example. When Frodo was stabbed by the evil black knight, and had to be quickly brought to safety at Rivendell, it was a very dramatic moment. You'll notice that it was I who made the heroic rescue and bravely rode with Frodo to sanctuary. Loyal fans will remember that all of the events from the stabbing to Frodo's awakening in safety never happened in the book. None of them. So why were they in the movie? To showcase my skills. My formidable, perfect acting skills. Only I can do drama and herosim so effectively. Only I can tell off a cadre of demons and then tragically give up my grace for him. These scenes were added to give me, the greatest actress in the world, a chance to show my skills, also the greatest in the world, to all the world. Dear Elf-mitch: Have you ever heard of the phrase "straight trippin'?" I hear my teenage children use it all the time, and it worries me. What kind of drug activity does it refer to? I'm really worried. Can you help me out? -Scared And Mistrustful Dear SAM: You're right, Elvish is a beautiful language. Especially when I speak it. Nee freak-atee may fahlrha. That's not really Elvish, I just made it up. But you can see how wonderful it sounds when I say it. Murf-a-lurf-teeya. Doesn't the beauty of that move you to tears? I know that I make everything sound so much better when I say it, but I think Elvish goes beyond even that. That's because its an invented language. It was specially designed to sound beautiful. I think maybe God made Tolkien design in such a beautiful way so that it would be perfect for such a beautiful person as me to speak it as beautifully as I alone do. I've been thinking that maybe I should design my own language too. It would also be designed to be beautiful, but it would have the definite advantage of being designed by me. It could be called "Livish," and I could make and sell tapes of me doing nothing but speaking it for hours, and people everywhere would pay to be entranced by the wonder of a beautiful person like me speaking such a beautiful language so beautifully. Just look at the movie. They had to add in scenes just so I would be heard speaking more Elvish. The whole bit where Ara-whoever and I, Arwen, speak of our love in Elvish was put in for that purpose. Like much else in the movie that involves me, it has absolutely no relation to the book. It's just there for the benefit of all the people who really, really love watching me in movies. And another tidbit about that conversation: I'm trying to get some changes made, so that in the Grand Extended Ultra Mega Edition DVD release, that conversation will actually be a monologue. You won't have to put up with Ara-blahblah's pathetic attempt to steal my scenes anymore. Dear Elf-mitch: Here's a good joke for you and your readers. What does a cow say? Moo. What does a mad cow say? MOO-WHA-HA-HA! -Tickle Your Funnybone Dear TYF: Remember the scene where Frodo sees me and I'm glowing? I actually glow like that all the time. Instead of adding in the glow in that scene for a normal actress, they just cast me, shot that scene normally, and digitally removed the glow everywhere else. I glow with such a heavenly light because I'm such a strong woman. Strong. Strong means that I know how to get what I have to get, which is more parts in films showing how strong I (and, by extension, possibly other women) are. The thing to remember is that I am strong, and that other women can be just like me. Remember Eowyn from the movie? She represents an old ideal of what is strong. Unfortunately, her character just isn't as strong as mine, nor is the actress who plays her as strong as I am, so I had to take on extra parts that were never in the books. Eowyn was added by Tolkien after his daughter requested some female lead characters. But he didn't add enough. I think that he should have had me, I mean Arwen, replace Aragorn as leader of the Fellowship. She's obviously stronger than he is. He also should have had some female Ents, and I personally think an army of female dwarves or elves could have saved the day much better than the men did. But there simply weren't any good strong female leads in the original novel, so I was cast in order to play the strong lead role of Arwen. Why else do you think they put in so many extra and otherwise-unnecessary scenes with me? The Elf-mitch, better known as actress Liv Tyler, answers your questions in a syndicated column on Fridays. Write to her care of your local paper. |